The Path of the Heart

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For years I believed I must be, do or have this, that or the other thing before my real life could begin. Then I realized that it’s only me who is waiting; the universe waits for no one.

The path appeared as an opening to nowhere in particular, beckoning me to shed my armor and venture forth. Braced against the wind of resistance, I stepped tentatively forward and leaned into the first turn, breathing in love and exhaling fear. Winding and complex, the path meandered in and out of trees standing tall, rooted, and alongside flowing waters.

With each step forward, stagnant fantasies of safety and the emotional weight of blame and shame dislodged, detached, and disappeared into the shadows of some distant past.

I became transformed by timeless encounters of the heart that reached to infinity, by an enlivened experience that deepened with every moment; by the reality of my own waking dream.

I walked on fearlessly, joyfully; content to have found home… at last.

Remembering

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I see your true heart

through the lens of our lifetimes;

too many to count.

I inhale your breath

and recognize your laughter;

echoing old days.

I feel your embrace

and remember your whispers;

against my forehead.

I hold you again

dreaming, so I remember;

when my body sleeps.

When we meet again

I will know you by your heart;

your breath, your embrace.

And I will love you

better than I did today;

by remembering.

An Evolved Woman (by an Evolved Man)

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This is a re-post of a powerful blog post by Graham R White. This man is dialed in!  Men have a lot to learn from him… and so do women.  Be sure to check out Graham’s Blog. 

An Evolved Woman is…

A very real woman who is hard working, self-actualized with a clear sense of who she is – her strengths & her imperfections and accepts and loves it all

Committed to achieving and executing excellence in all aspects of life within her potential

Maintains her responsibilities with graciousness and apparent ease

Sensual, passionate, and sexually confident and adventurous

She radiates an energy of peace, wisdom, confidence and strength

She raises and guides her children firmly with love

She listens and gives gentle support & encouragement, but will give firm guidance when necessary

She creates an environment of warmth, peace, beauty and harmony in her home

She expresses her emotions easily and with pride

Continually develops her body, health, spirit and mind

She has physical, emotional and spiritual energy to spare and the wisdom to know how and who to share it with

She’s learned how to accentuate her most attractive physical features and makes looking magnificent seem effortless for her.

Graham White
http://www.Facebook.com/WhatEvolvedWomenWant

You Can Tell Me Anything

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“Bang!” “Bang!” “Bang!”

Despite their silence, parents on the playground couldn’t hide their disapproving brows and disturbed looks as my young son pointed a tiny finger and pretended to shoot every child in sight. In those early years, there were times I felt ill equipped as a parent. As my sweet, brown-eyed boy was acting like the most powerful person on the playground, I acted understanding, but felt like a phony.

Here I was, a Montessori teacher, a “peace educator,” and my child loved guns.

Was our household mantra a big mistake? When I recited, “This home is peaceful. We don’t even pretend to play with weapons here. Everyone has the right to be safe,” I didn’t realize it was having the opposite effect: the gunplay didn’t subside. Instead, more docile icons were employed … a carrot stick sword or paintbrush pistol.

I made it my goal to shield him from violent images, closely monitoring the television and following his every move. He played in a carefully prepared environment, rich with sensory activities. The shelves were stocked with puzzles, blocks and art supplies. There were no weapons — not even a pirate ship — yet his fascination with violence continued to grow.

At age 13, my son’s intrigue with weapons was still going strong. He was drawn to games of power and strategy, and the mechanics of machines and weapons.

Retaliation wouldn’t work on a teenager, so I brought my own big guns: shame, guilt and sarcasm. I nagged him constantly and watched a chasm grow between us. He developed a strong love for propulsion and power and left me and my sensitivities in the dust.
The day he talked me into joining him at Airsoft target practice was the turning point. “Mom, guns are just tools. You don’t have to be afraid of them. Shooting at targets isn’t hurting anyone. It’s fun.” Powerless, I played along.

I noted his high marks in proper gun handling. His understanding of gun safety seemed complete and mature, and before I could express concern for the ecosystem bombarded with all those pellets, he assured me they would biodegrade “within a reasonable time frame.”
He had seduced me with reason. I held the gun; it felt all wrong. But one targeted hit was all it took to feel a surge of adrenalin. I peeked self-consciously at the man-child standing beside me grinning ear-to-ear, all too happy to declare, “It feels kind of good when you hit the target, don’t you think, Mom?”

Michael Thompson, Ph.D., author of “Raising Cain,” states: “What we know is that boys in all cultures around the world wrestle more, mock fight more, and are drawn to themes of power and domination, but that’s not the same as hurting someone, so it’s not necessarily a cause for worry.” When parents forbid imaginary play, they inadvertently set up a scenario where children cannot safely express their feelings and impulses.

We strive to see our children as individuals. Yet the shame and guilt we may unwittingly carry forward from our own childhood experiences can be absolutely blinding.

Communication is difficult in the best of circumstances. When children trigger our personal fears, it’s almost impossible to remain open. At times, we may feel embarrassed by our child’s actions; in reality, we’re not ashamed for them, but afraid of what others may think of us. That’s an egocentric life sentence that I’m not willing to adopt.

My fear of guns comes from an unhealed part of me that I was projecting onto my son, one which is easily fueled by the media’s obsession with violence. This same fear cycle plays out around the topic of sex.

In my childhood, discussing sex was simply not done. Having sex was another story. There was a lot of it in my late teenage years — more than I care to admit and much more than I want my son to emulate. My first sexual experience was traumatic, so the idea of discussing birth control with my boy and his girlfriend, age 16, triggered many emotions.

Now 18 and in his first year of college, my son is thoroughly enjoying his independence and his life away from home. Recently, he called to tell me he had ended a relationship. He was upset and really struggling. The conversation that followed was truly remarkable in its openness and candor. I realized we had each come a long way.

What had all those years of parenting and tough communication taught me?

  • In his early teenage years, my responses either shut him down or opened up his honesty. I learned fairly early how to allow my son to reveal what was real for him, even when I didn’t agree.
  • My son’s natural curiosity triggered my emotions in unexpected — often negative — ways. There was no way to control this.
  • When I stopped judging his natural curiosities, I gained respect and could see his broad range of interests.
  • Questions that challenged my beliefs sometimes led to heated discussions. These provided the chance for us to find deep connection within the intensity of conflict.
  • In speaking up about what was unspeakable in my own youth, I learned that I must hear and accept my son’s unique voice.

The channels of honest communication we’ve been forging ebb and flow with the circumstances of life. We don’t talk every day, but when we do, there is honesty, humor and genuine caring. We have established a foundation of trust, meaning all questions and inquires are welcome.

We disagree often, but we rarely judge each other.

The ways in which any of us show up for, and relate to, each other as adults are inextricably tied to unconscious patterns and attitudes developed in childhood. One delightful result of connecting more deeply with our children is the potential for healing the old and outdated wounds within us.

Communication is a long and winding road, an ongoing process of ripping open wounds that tether us to our past. By freeing ourselves from these past attachments, we can observe and engage openly with the children in whom our own hopes and dreams are so intricately woven.

From our new vantage point, the possibility exists that we may meet and embrace the sweet souls of our own youth and, at long last, make peace with who we were and the people we have become.

~Delila

This article appeared in Portland Family Magazine in February 2014. See more at: http://www.portlandfamily.com/posts/you-can-tell-me-anything/

Exploring the inner world

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This blog has been a place I’ve explored parenthood, womanhood and life.

I’ve always considered motherhood to be both my greatest contribution and my greatest challenge as a woman. As my son set off to make his way in the world as a college freshman last fall, it opened the way for grieving the loss of a part of my own identity, that which derives its worth from the care of others.

Months later, I still find myself looking and listening for the sounds he used to make, hearing only the strange emptiness that fills the spaces he once occupied.

As Elliott has grown in independence, needing me less and less, my own need for caring has shifted back to tending the inner garden from which I draw my strength and clarity as a woman.  This is a time of transition, a time of exploring what comes next, and of evaluating the needs which are primary at this time in my life.

As a single woman on a journey toward awareness, fumbling through life with the support of other strong women, I find myself deep in inquiry about the questions that surround romantic love, intimacy, and creativity.

The blog now becomes a place to test new ways of using my voice, new expressions of what is true for me in this moment, and new opportunities to expand the conversation.

Delila

Opening

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Her mama yelled, “Stop that! There ‘s nothing to cry about!”
Then she walked away, closing the door behind her;
Making sure the terrifying feelings could not escape the room.
In the dark, alone;
The little girl wondered
When her mom would come back,
and if she would still be angry,
and how to make the bad feelings stop.
She made herself small,
Wrapping her body around a tear-soaked pillow;
Straining to hear any familiar sound;
To know she was not really alone.
She learned that her crying made others angry,
And scared;
She learned that feelings were not safe,
Because they make people go away.
Then, many years later she discovered it was all a lie.
Love doesn’t stop because people go away;
Love stops because feelings get locked up and
People get locked out.
Then she declared aloud,
She would open her heart a little further and,
When she did,
The little girl felt safe
For just a moment;
But it was a very big moment because
It was the first time, ever.
And it was the start of something extraordinary.

The Nature of Childhood

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During a peewee soccer game, one tiny player stared up into the sky, his eyes intently following the path of an orange butterfly. The coach and many spectators loudly called his name, but the ball rolled right past him without notice. His attention was elsewhere … in nature.

Children innately love nature. They crave connection with the living environment.

As they skip and tumble through the grass, collecting handfuls of leaves or carefully studying the movement of an insect, we may be reminded how much the ever-changing canvas of earth is a vital part of life.

Yet, according to Richard Louv, author of Last Child in the Woods, only 6 percent of children ages 9 to 13 spend time playing outdoors apart from when they’re at school.

For a number of reasons, including increased access to technology, children are spending less time outdoors and in unstructured play than ever before. For many parents and educators, this sparks concern that they could become increasingly isolated from the essential experience of exploring their natural world.

Most adults can recall summer days spent picking wild berries, counting the legs on a woolly bear caterpillar, making daisy or dandelion chains or scooping polliwogs into a jar with the hope of growing a frog. These memories became pivotal moments of childhood that lit up our creativity and ignited our sense of awe.

We learned important things about life and the world through this unstructured play time. It’s why we seek outdoor camps and summer programs for our children.

Engaging the Senses

Montessori education is known for using nature and the living environment to engage a child’s senses. Students gain creative control over their indoor and outdoor spaces through purposeful activities that teach responsibility for self, others and the environment. This encourages hands-on exploration and participation that takes awareness and learning to new heights.

In my parent outreach work at West Hills Montessori, one comment I hear frequently from visitors is, “The children seem so happy.” They are happy because there’s diversity, self-direction and a sense of balance built into their day.

Instead of turning to the nearest adult (or computer) for answers to their questions, Montessori kids explore indoor and outdoor classrooms which serve as laboratories where they make real life discoveries about the world. This gives their learning a deep and relevant meaning that stays with them long after they leave the school.

For this reason and many others, Montessori is a great choice for many families. It’s also a source of inspiration during the summer months for parents who want to infuse a little more nature into their child’s experience.

Here are a few suggestions you can try at home to keep nature play at the forefront of your child’s summer experience:

Offer tools of outdoor exploration.

Binoculars, gloves, magnifying glasses, bug nets and boxes are essential tools of outdoor exploration. Your child will use these in ways that amaze and delight you.

Plant and tend a family garden.

Even the smallest outdoor space can be transformed by the addition of garden rows or containers for planting, a (child-sized) bench for working and resting, and a variety of (adult- and child-sized) tools such as shovels, trowels, pruners, watering cans and gloves. Collaborate with your child to choose plants, vegetables and fruits you will enjoy tending and harvesting together.

Familiarize yourself with the plant and animal species that surround you.

Walking and hiking with children is a lovely way to connect with each other while engaging more deeply with the natural world. Try keeping an adventure journal in which family members can record, with words or drawings or any media you choose, plant and animal sightings and other noteworthy nature events.

Go outside and play!

The same technology that has the potential to distract our children from the activities that ignite their imaginations can isolate us as well. When we unplug electronics for a little while and step outdoors to play with our children, we may rediscover a magical world that calls us to slow down and enjoy the journey more.

-Delila

This article appeared in Portland Family Magazine in June, 2013.  See more at: http://www.portlandfamily.com/posts/the-nature-of-childhood/

There and Back and Home Again

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I almost died when I was 9 years old.

One hot summer afternoon during day camp, I wanted so badly to careen down a rock slide with the other kids. But I wasn’t a swimmer.

Not wanting to be left behind, I wrapped my arms around the waist of another child and held on for dear life. When we reached the bottom, unable to stand up, I was pulled down by the undertow.

Gasping for breath, I felt panic and terror.  When I finally stopped struggling, a surprising sense of warmth and comfort took over.  Cradled by the water, images began to appear before me… faces of people I loved, smiling and laughing, snapshots of my favorite memories… glimpses of home.

Then, as cliché as it seems, I saw a bright light in the distance. Whatever it was called out to me and it felt like HOME.

Upon awakening, my first sensation was the warmth of stone against my cheek. Leaning against a large rock in the sun, my bare feet rested on the earth. I was breathing again.

In that moment, a soothing voice whispered from somewhere, “It isn’t your time to go.”

I don’t remember who rescued me or what was said afterwards. I do recall my Mom’s reaction to my story, her parental fear and pain evident in the look of panic on her face and her quick “Oh, you’re fine,” dismissal of the incident. (Believe me, the long term effects of that statement required more than a few hours of therapy!)

Following the accident, my view of “home” was never the same. While I didn’t understand what had happened to me in the water that day, I knew I had glimpsed the doorway to something extraordinary and wonderful… a place I would visit again when it was ‘my time.’

Within the last year, both of my parents passed away.  When I walk into our family home, memories of the voices and laughter from hundreds of gatherings are still fully present.  But the silence that now fills those spaces reminds me that no matter how fully we live within the walls of a home, physical structures do not have the capacity to contain the souls who are just passing through.

A few weeks ago, I held my father’s hand as he took his final breaths.  I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, but I knew he was at peace. Having almost passed through that doorway myself, I knew he had arrived at long last – home again.

~Delila

 

The Beat of Her Own Drum

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At one time it was unthinkable for a woman to raise her child apart from the rituals and traditions of her community. Much has changed, but today’s woman still carries within her a lineage of wisdom that innately prepares her for childbirth and parenting. This knowledge echoes the voices of ancient grandmothers who teach valuable lessons about building community, raising children, and caring for oneself amidst the bustle of modern living.

Portland-based Shamanic practitioner Rebecca Singer teaches women to connect with this deep inner knowledge, and to march to the beat of their own drum while growing families, careers, and communities. With minimal support from her family, Rebecca raised her son as a single parent while living internationally, working with at-risk youth and supporting the needs of those on the threshold of change.

The skills Rebecca teaches women about childbirth and parenting are profound. She says, “Nothing connects a woman more to her power than birthing a baby. It’s a breaking open of a woman into her own wisdom. Too often, the focus during pregnancy is on ‘what if something goes wrong’ rather than on a woman’s instinctive ability to give birth. Today many women choose C-sections so their bodies won’t have to go through a natural birth. I loved being in labor. There was this deep sense that I knew what I was doing.”

Connection with the Earth can seem like an idealist state, but Rebecca demonstrates how it must be a priority in our fast-paced society. “When our bare feet hit the ground, our breathing and heart rate slows down, our eyes can focus, and our expectations and demands get a chance to fall by the wayside. Children desperately need this time away from technology to connect with the natural rhythm of nature, and so do we as mothers. It drops us into our bellies and allows us to relax and remember who we are.”

Which leads to a common question: How can a mother be fully present for her children without abandoning her own needs? Rebecca points out, “It’s so important to connect and build friendships with other healthy women who love being women. Find a group of mothers who can laugh and cry about the absurdities of parenthood. Seek out those who don’t compete or criticize. And then trust yourself completely. No one knows how to raise your child better than you.”

Every good mother wants her children to grow up happy, to be good to others and to live their own passion. This calls for parenting that is fierce, unconditionally loving, and that provides children with clear and consistent limits. “Mothers must be ready to defend their children and also be able to listen to constructive feedback about their children. Ultimately, it’s up to us as mothers to negotiate with anyone or anything that dims our child’s spirit. Good parenting is about protecting children, teaching them about their own inner knowing and strength, and then letting them go.”

As kids hit the teenage years, parents must shift as well. Rebecca helps moms in this stage learn how to check their reactivity to common situations. She believes, “Not every teenager is going to be difficult. It’s a psychological set-up in our culture to expect teens to be a challenge. Friendships can feel fake and unsatisfying at this age and kids can feel isolated, and it’s hard on their spirit. Home must be a place where they can be fully themselves. Establishing safety in your home means making yourself available to really listen and communicate without judging.

Mothering a teen means making yourself available to communicate, understanding and accepting their need to become independent from you, and allowing them to show you what kind of support is needed. Most of all, teens need to see their mothers modeling acceptance, confidence and comfort in their own skin.”

Eloquently, Rebecca reminds women, “Mothering is a season of life in which we are called to be entirely present and dedicated to the wellbeing of another person. Happy childhoods are not created by doing more, achieving more, or having more. It’s about being fully available to your child. Learn how to go inside, listen to your gut, and listen to what your child is telling you he or she needs. And if you don’t know how to do it, get some help. Forget the people who want to tell you what to do; choose the people who can teach you how to trust your instincts and love yourself.”

As a Shamanic healer who works on three continents, Rebecca is the embodiment of a fearless warrior. But when she speaks about her adult son, Liam, there’s a softness that illuminates her mother’s heart: “I have to say of all my experiences in life, raising my son was the best … the absolute best.”

~Delila

This article appeared in Portland Family Magazine in May 2012. -See more at: http://www.portlandfamily.com/posts/the-beat-of-her-own-drum/

Lessons from Dad

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Ole Olsson

I heard a jarring statistic recently that said 80% of new businesses fail within the first five years. As a copywriter and social media consultant, I’m committed to learning how the best people in business make it happen on a long-term basis.

While it’s certainly important to have dynamic content on our websites or engaging dialogue on Facebook, there are some even more CORE elements that can make or break success. Articles about “profitable practices” constantly appear online, but these fancy Top 10 lists never inspire me to a level of unshakeable confidence or provide lasting knowledge that stands the test of time.

That’s why I turned to my dad. At the age of 83, his career as a successful and widely-respected electrical contractor has been sustainable and thriving for over 50 years. He started his last business in partnership with my brother, at an age when most of his colleagues were retiring. And he still goes into the office most days, though now he arrives a bit later and leaves a bit earlier, with an occasional nap in between.

When my son, Elliott, and I asked Dad for an interview to capture his gems of wisdom for the family archives, he was a bit shy and reluctant.  He’s not one to take credit, preferring to acknowledge the people without whom his own success would not have been possible.

When pressed, he casually recited the following recipe for success:

  1. Work hard – nothing worth having comes easily
  2. Be grateful for what you have – even when it doesn’t seem to be enough
  3. Tell the truth – even if it means losing relationships or business
  4. Invest in people – join with those who share your values to get the best returns
  5. Avoid going into debt – spend wisely and be a good steward of what you have
  6. Allow long-term business relationships to grow – and take time to nurture them
  7. Don’t be afraid to say no – setting clear boundaries keeps standards high

I listened as my father described the same values he had clearly demonstrated for my brother and me as children. The same lessons and values and that formed the foundation for his role as husband and father, had allowed him to build a business that has now grown far beyond what he ever imagined possible.

A few weeks after the interview, my mother became terminally ill. She died last October, an unexpected loss that sent a shockwave through our family. Through it all, Dad’s eternal faith and optimism, even in his darkest hours of personal grief, have provided a guiding light and an unshakeable example of strength for his children and grandchildren.

I am filled with love and respect for my father, and grateful for the compassionate wisdom which is his legacy to me and my family, and my business.  From him I have learned that true success is measured, not by material wealth or social status, but by the depth of one’s commitment to doing the right thing, even when no one is watching.

Here’s an excerpt from the interview with my dad, Ole Olsson, founder of Olsson Industrial Electric:

Until next time,

~Delila